We all are afraid of something … I think that is pretty universal. My fear, comes from a place that I can’t even really identify anymore … some strange holdover from a past that I do my best to not live in.
This poem is about just that … fear. What it does to me and what it is to me. I am well aware that it holds me back and prevents me from getting to where I want to be. And like every other self-loathing person, I hate myself for feeling this way and so the cycle continues.
My wonderful husband suggested that I write about the fear itself in an effort to let it go and finally put it behind me. And that is what when it occurred to me that he may not only be right but there are plenty of people who can identify with feeling this way.
Hopefully, if you have and/or do feel this way … you can find solace in the knowledge that you are far from alone …
Standing before you I feel naked and insecure. I feel like a newborn that is vulnerable to the world around her. I am defenseless to the cruelty, oblivious to the harshness, only hoping for acceptance from a universe that I no longer fit in.
I try to force my thoughts away from the noise and doubts in my head but, they creep in like an insidious disease that is taking over my being. It is making me sick into the depths of my core. This disease now starts to affect my body too. It begins with sweaty palms and an uncontrollable quiver. But, soon enough, the quiver turns into a shake and the butterflies in my stomach turn into a flock of birds.
Self-doubt and voices of long ago are now ringing in my ears, telling me, “you can’t”, “you’ll fail”, “you’re not good”, “you suck”, and “why are you doing this?” All of their hurtful words replay in my mind, echoing through me, piercing my heart like darts on a board.
No! Not this time! This time is for me!
Deep down, I know the truth. I know that I can! I know that I will….
Deep breath, close my eyes and push it all away. From somewhere deep inside my soul, I find the strength to let go … let go of the noise and the fear … let it all go … I can do anything … and it’s time I proved it … and then I step up to the microphone …
-Colleen With a Poem